According to a Pew Research Survey 53% of adults who are childfree claim it’s because they just don’t want children. Also according to that survey, the next most common reason is due to medical concerns at 19%. I see that there are two branches to this rationale. The first is because a medical condition (infertility, trouble conceiving) prevents them from conceiving or a medical condition that would make conceiving dangerous to the health of the mother (organ transplant, cancer, sickle cell disease, heart or liver disease). The second is the chance of passing a medical condition onto their offspring (mental health issues, Alzheimer’s, cancer, addiction, Downs syndrome).
Although I don’t like the term, childless is the word commonly used to refer to people who can’t conceive. As if not having children makes you “less” of a person. It is often thought that if a person can’t have children due to medical inability they are somehow excused from criticism, because of course if they could have a child they would, right? Yes, there are many people who are devastated when they realize their dreams of holding their own baby in their arms will never materialize and I can’t imagine the heartache they must feel.
Then there are some people who are relieved when they find out they can’t have kids- like it’s a hall pass. A BuzzFeed article listed 19 women’s responses on why they didn’t have children. Several mentioned medical concerns as their rationale for not conceiving. One such respondent wrote: “I can’t have children of my own and when my mum found out, she was devastated but I was not. I honestly felt like my body had done me a favor. I’ve never wanted children even before it was revealed that I physically couldn’t. I’d rather be the fun aunt any day.” —natalieg47790f622
Genetics: Not Just Eye And Hair Color
People who choose not to have children often refer to themselves as childfree (hence the name of this blog). They see themselves as “free” from the burdens of parenthood. One of the many reasons I chose not to have children is because of my family’s genes. There is a meme I relate to: Mental health doesn’t run through my family, it strolls through getting to know everyone.
Between bipolar, anxiety, PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder), depression, and narcissistic traits we are an emotionally tough bunch. Additionally, we have autism, cancer, and congestive heart failure to contend with. So we have decided that we don’t want to pass on our horrible genes to another generation. Our mental health legacy dies with us. No one would wish their child to be mentally, emotionally, or physically disabled yet when these issues persist in their genetic profile and they still choose to have children they are being unfair to the life they are bringing into the world. To me, that’s the epitome of being selfish. You are not thinking of the struggles your child will have to face. You are thinking- but I want a child! I overcame it and so will they!
No one knows what their child will be like. I often hear oh, you won’t have a baby like that, or you can’t think like that. But you know what? I do think like that and as an educator, I see all kinds of kids. I’ve seen behaviors that make my husband wonder why I stay in teaching. I often think I’m glad I’m not his/her/their parent. One of the main reasons I’m as good an educator as I am (and yes, I am good) is because I don‘t have children at home relying on or needing me all the time. Every day when I come home after work, I get to decompress and recharge. After working all day parents have to parent. They can’t just plop on the couch and chill for the evening. My childrearing co-workers, who are also overwhelmed by the behaviors they are seeing in the classroom, don’t have the luxury to take a nap, read quietly, or go for a walk. They have to help with homework, drive to practice, or break up arguments between siblings. Then go to work the next day and do it all over again!
Another response in the BuzzFeed article shares my concerns: “I work in special education with students with the most needs. I love them but I could not have the patience to have a child like them myself. There’s always that risk when you have a child that they will have special needs. Nothing against those who have disabilities. We are all born different. But it takes a lot of work to give them the best life they can possibly have. I admire my students’ parents because they take care of their children to the best of their ability and always stand up for their children. I’m too selfish to do the same.” —theveeveemcq
I also work with a lot of children who have special needs or behavior disorders and I don’t know how their parents do it. Unfortunately, some don’t do it well and poor parenting is the cause of many of the behaviors. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard; What do you want me to do about it? Or while they’re at school, they’re your responsibility. One time a parent who was asked to pick up her son because he was being unsafe they replied to the principal: “He doesn’t get off the bus until 3:20, so I’ll pick him up then.” The principal called her at 10:30.
Mental health in children has been an increasing concern for parents, doctors, and educators long before the pandemic, which only exasperated the problem. Since I started teaching over 18 years ago, the number of students in a class with special needs or mental health issues has increased. It used to be around 1 or 2 per 20 students. Now it’s 7 or 8 per 20 students. Some classes have almost 50% of the students with some type of IEP (Individualized Educational Plan) or 504 (medical) plan. Additionally, the amount of children I see with anxiety has increased dramatically over the years. I don’t know what is causing it, but the effects are very apparent in the classroom.
I know well-behaved children exist, that some kids are ‘easy’, but not in my family. Genetically, we are just a tough bunch. You know how a parent will say: I hope you have kids just like you someday? Well, guess what? I don’t want kids like me. I was a horrible teenager. Although I never got into ‘real’ trouble (no coming home drunk, stealing cars, or bad grades), I had so much attitude that if it had been bottled into a spray can, I could have single-handedly eroded the ozone layer. Do I want to have kids like me? Nope. I’ll pass thank you!
Resources:
Brown, Anna. “Growing Share of Childless Adults in U.S. Don’t Expect to Ever Have Children”. Pew Research Center, Nov, 19, 2021. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2021/11/19/growing-share-of-childless-adults-in-u-s-dont-expect-to-ever-have-children/
Murrell, Morgan. “19 Women Got Brutally Honest About Why They Don’t Want Kids” BuzzFeed. July 7,2022. https://www.buzzfeed.com/morganmurrell/women-discuss-not-wanting-kids
Abrams, Zara. “Kids’ Mental Health is in Crisis. Here’s What Psychologists are Doing to Help”. American Psychological Association. Vol. 54 No. 1, page 63. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/01/trends-improving-youth-mental-health